I sat in a red upholstered booth across from my soggy female companion, it was a rainy Saturday morning and neither of us was perky enough to cook. We had agreed that, today, someone else would be preparing our breakfast (take a second and think about that, every time you eat out, strangers touch your food).
The waitress asked us what we would like to drink, my lovely yet damp girlfriend, Miss Champagne, kindly asked for a hot chamomile tea and the waitress confirmed this by making a note and retreating to the kitchen while I shouted at the receding figure that a glass of water would be nice.
Miss Champagne studied the menu while I studied her beautiful features, and thought about how much I love and respect her. I wonder if she reads my articles, better safe than single. Where were we? She’s studying the menu, I need not as I decided before I entered the establishment that I would be dining on Eggs Benedict. Eggs Benedict, always and forever.
- ALWAYS! FOREVER!
She paused and looked up from the menu, “Should I get bacon – ”
“Yes” I interjected.
“Well obviously …
- Obviously
… but let me finish, should I get bacon or peameal bacon”
“I don’t know which would you rather have?”
“Bacon”
“Well okay th-”
“No, peameal”
“Okay no problem I j-”
“Wait, I…Yeah”
“So peameal?”
“Uuuuuuuuuuu-”
“Here’s your tea there, darlin'”, our waitress intruded.
“Oh, hey, you’re back, could I get a water please?”
“Uh, yeah. I heard you”, the waitress sighed offensively. She glared at me intensely for berating her with ridiculous demands, in this case, a glass of water. She retreated again to the kitchen to retrieve my glass of water/spit.
“-Uuuuuuuuuum, peameal, no regular, yeah regular, where’s the waitress?
“Probably drowning a puppy in my beverage so she can watch me drink pure sorrow”
“Here’s your drink”, the waitress placed a glass of clear liquid before me, I examined it begrudgingly – it looked sad, “are you ready to place your order?”
“Now when you say ‘drink’-”
“Yes we are, I will have eggs ‘easy-over’* and I would liiiiii-”
*She’s French, she say’s things weird sometimes
“Cause I mean you could say ‘here’s your water’ but you say ‘drink’, it’s a perfectly good synonym, I just like to know that what I’m drinking is water, this is water, yes?”
“-iiiike soooooome …”she held her vowels for a painfully long time, extending the sentence, delaying as best she could its inevitable climax, and with it, the answer to the ultimate question, the suspense was unbearable.
- And, damn it, that music isn’t helping
“Peameal bacon, okay thank you”, she finally decided.
“Change your mind?”
“Yup”
“Okay, cool, I’ll have the Eggs Benedict”
“Now when you say Eggs Benedict you mean…” the waitress added nothing further, waiting in uncomfortable silence for an answer to her vague inquiry.
“Eggs…Benedict”
- Always…Forever
“Yes but do you want it with ham or peameal?”
“What? Peameal, why is ham an option? Who’s taking ham over peameal bacon?”
“Because the ‘Eggs Benedict’ is with ham, so you want the ‘Super Benny'”
“Where the hell am I? How is making it properly considered super? I would like an ‘Adequate Benny’ please”
- “Adequate”
“What?”
“Peameal, just…uhg! Peameal, and bring me a side of regular bacon as well, please, all this Bacon talk is really doin’ it for me”
- Yeah you know I like it like that
The waitress rolled her eyes; completely devoid of appreciation for my smart aleck comments, and impromptu revision of her menu, then left us for the kitchen.
- Actually that’s a smart Alex, still, didn’t think we’d see him again today
“Insufferable” I said, omitting other fitting adjectives, it was too early for out-loud swears. “So where was I, hon?”
“World War II”
“Ah thanks, so Hitler says, how bout this Volkswagen thing they got…”
As we waited for our breakfast I “entertained” Miss Champagne with a summary of Hitler’s rise to power and trivia on the subject of WWII and the Third Reich, stopping only when I noticed the man in the next booth was wearing a Yamaka, he looked a little Jewish, and a little more offended. I guess he thought it was a little early to be talking about Nazi’s.
- Sound like anyone you know?
So the food came, and despite the service, it looked fantastic, dare I concede, “super”? I started into my side of bacon.
“Can I have a piece?” Said Miss Champagne, extending a finger to my bacon.
“What, no, you had your chance and you went peameal”
“I know but I want both”
“Yes, but you see, you can’t have both, there’s a lesson here”
“You have both”
“No I don’t”
“There’s peameal in your ‘Super Benny’, you were weirdly adamant about that”
“…but this is my bacon”
“I just want one piece”
“That’s cool; I just want the amount of bacon that I ordered”
- You’re not going anywhere
“Okay hon don’t worry about it”
“Furthermore I haven’t started into the ‘Benny’ yet, it certainly looks super, but I’ve yet to fully-”
“I said it’s fine!”
“…”
“…”
“…one piece?”
“One piece”
“…okay, one piece”
It turns out there really was a lesson to learn there, couples share things, it took me a year and an insufferable waitress to teach me that.
When you become one half of a couple, expect to get half of a lot of other things, like bacon, my bacon. But I digress, what I’m trying to say, couples of the world, is if you want to share your life with someone, you’re going to share a lot more, it’s kind of a package deal.
Let me put it this way, I love bacon, a lot, I loooooove bacon, in internet terms. There aren’t enough o’s to describe how much I love bacon. But, I feel the same way about my girlfriend, and I’d have to choose her over the bacon, I’m sorry bacon, I didn’t want you to find out this way.
- I’ll send for my things
I’ve been dating Miss Champagne for a year today, and now we share lots of things, she gets half the bed (and all the blankets, am I right guys?), when I cook I make two servings, and when I pour a scotch I make it a double; because sharing is caring, and I’m not talking about a 3-way.
- But since you mentioned it, I’ve got this friend
Happy anniversary baby, Would you like some bacon?