I can never quite figure out if I’m an introvert or an extrovert. Myers-Briggs tests always put me right down the middle of every category – I joke that, on paper, I have no personality. I know that I’m not nearly as introverted as others, because I need to connect with someone to find inspiration, bounce ideas off someone to focus my thoughts, and engage with others to feel relaxed. At the same time, I know I’m not quite as extroverted as the people in my life who, despite generally enjoying their company, can still make me feel bombarded and overwhelmed.
At first, I really enjoyed having my husband and neighbours around while I worked. It was a welcome change from working alone all day and having to connect with someone through text when I wasn’t feeling creative or motivated. Now, though, I’m really starting to struggle with the pressure of feeling like I have an audience every time I try to experiment with or explore my creativity. Taking pictures in front of curious neighbours and then editing at a desk I now share with my husband is exhausting me more than I thought it could. I’m going to share my finished product, and engage with the world, that’s the whole point of it, but there’s something about having my process exposed and intruded upon now that’s draining my muse.
I read that in isolation, people tend to double down on their personalities: introverts become more internally driven and extroverts need more outward stimulation to thrive. I’m not sure where this leaves the ambivert; how one becomes more ambiverted. There’s a shifting balance somewhere that I can’t seem to grasp just yet.
All photos by me.