Premarital Intimacy

There are many conversations that need to be had between a couple that are thinking of forming a small family unit. Throughout our year long engagement, two year cohabitation and total eight year relationship, my fiancé and I feel confident that we have eliminated all possible conflict inducing surprises. We have both watched helplessly as each of our families fell apart and we have seen what can happen when crucial conversations are not had before entering into wedlock with your perceived perfect soul-mate. I may not have more than a few psychology credits in my past but what I do have is experience, and in my experience, the following conversation topics are part of the essential matters that must be discussed before committing to put up with someone for the rest of your lives.


  • Who will pay for what
  • Who will make sure the bills are paid on time
  • How you will make major purchasing decisions
  • What things you will be saving for now and in the future
  • How you will save for major purchases
  • When you will buy a house together

–     How much you will spend on this house

  • You must disclose your debt

–     How you intend to pay it off

–     When you plan to pay it off


  • How many children you want to have
  • When you want to have children
  • What the preferred spacing of the children’s births would be
  • Who will take parental leave
  • Will either of you want to leave your job entirely after the children are born
  • What you will do if you are unable to have children
  • What you will do in the event that you have a child with health or developmental complications
  • How you will save and pay for your children’s educations

Birth Control

  • What method you will use
  • What you will do if your birth control fails


  • What each person’s definition of a husband and a wife are
  • What each of you want from marriage
  • Your thoughts and opinions on traditional gender roles and if you will conform to them
  • How much time you will spend together, with friends together and with friends separately
  • When you will be expected home everyday and what to do if you will be late
  • How  the household chores will be divided

Married Lifestyle

  • Where you will live
  • Will you relocate for a job
  • What kind of house you want to live in
  • What kind of life you want for yourself
  • What you need to be happy

–     What material objects you need to possess to be happy

  • How much money you need to make to maintain your current lifestyle
  • How much money you would need to make to maintain your ideal lifestyle
  • How you will entertain yourselves
  • How you will celebrate holidays
  • How often you will go on vacation
  • Places you would like to vacation to
  • Your current and lifetime goals
  • Your five year plan
  • Your ten year plan


  • Where you will spend holidays
  • Who you will spend holidays with
  • When family can visit you

–     How long they will stay

–     How often they will visit


  • When you will retire
  • Where you will retire
  • How you will retire
  • How much money you will save for retirement
  • How you will save that money

You don’t need to agree on every point in the list, that would make for a very boring life together, but you should be able to find a common ground and come to a compromise on every issue. Discussing your wants, needs and deal breakers before marrying the person you want to wake up next to everyday is one of the most important steps you need to take to ensure you a happily ever after.