Hello ladies and gentlemen, but probably ladies, I’ve gathered you here today in the house of my god (the internet) to once again impart my manly wisdom.

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, though that’s not entirely true, you’re a classy lady.

First, my credentials:

Manliness: before I learned how to walk I had a seizure resulting from a fever of 106 degrees, I have been on fire, impaled by a bicycle (yes,a bicycle), fallen off of a small cliff, stabbed in the face with a pair of broken sunglasses and assaulted by a man with no teeth. I have no feeling in my left knee because I broke it and decided to “walk it off”. I once woke up in hospital and the doctor said “oh good, you’re back”, turns out my lungs decided to turn off for a bit. I had to be tested for both tuberculosis and cancer before I graduated high school and the cancer test had to be performed after they removed a tumor – through my mouth. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m decidedly un-killable, in fact, if I survive one more potentially fatal injury, my next one is free. My childhood reads like Rasputin’s obituary. Furthermore, I get my hair cut in a garage that also serves cocktails. I second guess every driving direction I’m given, often including those from the GPS navigation system. I don’t know what hair conditioner does and I refuse to learn. In my past three Facebook profile pictures I have had blood on me.  I own more skateboards than I do underwear and my car runs on Baconators. Just kidding about that last bit, but the rest is true.

I feel I’m plenty qualified to be advising you here today, with that I bring you these innovative new recipes, specifically designed to please today’s hungry manly man.

Manly!

 Pan-Bakes:

 

Ingredients:

• Pancake batter
• Some variety of bacon
• An open mind.

Directions:

The recipe works best with pre-shredded bacon, or if you haven’t access to it, cook some bacon then shred it manually. This recipe can be supplemented with other meats, but I’ve had the best results with bacon.

1. Combine shredded bacon with pancake mix (you can Google a recipe or use store bought mix)
2. Cook the pancakes, or Pan-Bakes as I like to call them
3. Serve with maple syrup.

Suggested Application:

Works well as an unsolicited surprise breakfast; when a man wakes up to the smell of bacon and rushes to the kitchen to find said miracle meat has been infused with pancakes, there is no word to describe the feeling. I imagine its something like what a woman feels when she describes her feelings to a sunset while holding a kitten that loves ice cream sandwiches.

Then you tell him to clean the bathroom if he wants more, I would descale a thousand bathtubs for one more delicious Pan-Bake. Seriously these things should replace currency.

 

 3 Ways of the Border Fried Beans:

 

Ingredients:

• 1 can of beans in maple syrup
• 1/2 cup of butter/margarine (your preference)
• BBQ sauce
• Black pepper
• wasabi
• additional maple syrup if desired

Directions:

1. Combine all ingredients and heat in a sauce pan (BBQ sauce, pepper, syrup and wasabi can be added in any amount you desire to achieve a unique variable flavour.)

Wasabi can be purchased in oriental section of most grocery stores, but I just save the little packets from whenever I eat sushi. I named this recipe for the fact that is fuses the ethnic foods of Mexico, Canada, and Japan.

Suggested Application:

Supplement any less-than-manly meal with this side dish and quickly silence his salad based complaints by offering him these sweet and spicy beans. Or, if you’re feeling extra awesome, you may mash the beans and serve as dip with tortilla chips, or again, for extra credit, nachos.

 

 VodkaMelon:

 

Ingredients:

• Watermelon
• vodka
• a spare liver

Directions:

1. Cube the melon
2. Combine with vodka in a Tupperware container
3. Soak overnight
4. Drain
5. Serve
6. Save excess vodka, pour into shot glass, drink and repeat until unconscious.

Suggested Application:

Creme Brulee:

 

Ingredients:

• 50% Creme
• 50% Brulee

Directions:

I don’t actually know how to make creme brulee, but I know it involves a blowtorch, and that’s manly in my books.

Suggested application:

Serve as an excuse to talk about blowtorches.

 

 Uncle Smother’s Bird on a Bun:

 

Ingredients:

• Hamburger bun
• Boneless skinless chicken breast
• Blue cheese dressing
• Your favourite wing sauce
• Testosterone

Directions:

This recipe comes from my days as cook at my mother’s restaurant, though never officially on the menu, it was popular among the staff.

1. Grill the chicken breast
2. Toast the bun
3. Apply blue cheese to the heel of the bun
4. Place chicken on top
5. SMOTHER in your choice of wing sauce, I choose honey garlic, I don’t do spicy food, but I’ve been technically dead before so I’m still manly.
6. You may add other fixin’s if you please. Pickles and onions go well with the honey garlic, in my opinion.

Suggested application:

The Uncle Smothers’ brings you the joy of chicken wings in a convenient boneless form – it’s a chicken-wing burger and it’s never a bad idea to eat one. I love this recipe because I enjoy chicken wings but pathologically fear them. When I was a child my dad used to take me to KFC for chicken wings then yell at me for not eating them properly (leaving too much meat on the bone). So yes, I’m afraid of chicken wings, but I also have tattoos, so I’m still manly, dammit. I wouldn’t say I held it against my dad, but I will say that one of us still has hair and one doesn’t.